Hi i’m Matt and i’m a social alcoholic.
A social alcoholic.
I mean, I don’t physically depend on alcohol. But then what does dependency mean? I mean, I feel that i know in my heart I can quit drinking. But its just been ingrained in my life for the past … nearly 20 years. I’m 35 now, and I’ve just had my first child. My beautiful son. Now its not about me.
For me, drinking is a huge part of my life. I remember meeting some friends at the shops when i was 16, they had a couple of bottles of ‘WKD’. They talked me into joining them. Since then almost every weekend that i can remember has involved drinking alcohol to various extents. Getting into a variety of states. Spending an incredible amount of money. And ever so slowly wasting my life.
I remember the person I was just before i met these ‘Friends’ at the shop that day. I was energetic, caring, passionate and full of potential. Since then i’ve been slowly making excuses for not being the best version of myself. I’ve bounced through relationship after relationship following the same pattern of drinking, blaming and never actually waking up to the fact that it was my relationship with alcohol that was ruining my relationships. Again, i would never admit this.
Even as I write this, I can feel a pull of a different side of my personality, an inner mocking of myself. It is the mocking that i have heard or fear i would hear from others if i ever stood up and got control of this demon.
I have had some good times on alcohol, quite a lot actually. But the ‘goodtimes’ are basically acts of carefree recklessness that i had a cover for, an excuse, a scapegoat. Granted, alcohol has helped me to ease tension, to relax and to be semi therapist at times. But on reflection, I wouldn’t be far off the mark if i imagine that the tensions, lack of confidence and reasons for therapy all started with the same poison.
Anyway. Now its time to give it a big middle finger and reclaim my life. I’m going cold turkey, just quitting. I’ve put a 1 years timescale on it cos i think that’s a big enough statement and enough of a challenge to prove to myself that i’ve beaten it.
I’m going to blog to arrange and spill my thoughts. To measure my progress. And also to create a supportive community, inspiring each other to take on their personal demons and persevering through them. To the other side.
‘If you want to take the island, burn the boats!’