The title of the last blog was, Should I quit alcohol for good?
I was sat in the pub on a Thursday night after work, just having one beer with food when I wrote that.
After an unplanned drinking session, drinking myself into another day off work the next day. I realised finally…….
The answer is Yes.
I am powerless over alcohol. And I should quit for good.
There are certain types of drinkers.
There’s moderate drinkers, Hard drinkers and alcoholics.
A moderate drinker can take it or leave it.
A hard drinker, could stop drinking given the right circumstances, ie a new love, a health scare etc. He may find it difficult but he/she does hold the capacity to gain control over his drinking.
But the alcoholic, he is the one that actually has an allergic reaction. An physio-biological reaction that doesn’t occur in other drinkers. This reaction triggers an incessant craving, that coupled with a mental obsession makes the guy completely powerless over alcohol. He literally can not control his drinking after taking the first drink.
On top of that, is that the illness of alcoholism is a progressive illness. The physical and mental deterioration over a period of time compounds and quickens. The resistance weakens with time and the cravings and obsessions become worse,. If left untreated in many cases this has led to an array of negative outcomes, loss of home, loss of job, loss of relationship, and ultimately death.
Now, you could consider this a sobering thought in itself. And I was on that road I beleive.
But many people with alcoholism, will live in a state of ignorance and denial. Deep subconscious denial that means they will go to any length to defend the alcohol from attack. They will take it to the grave with them if they have to. And many have.
I beleive that I’ve been in denial. I beleive that my drinking is causing catastrophic damage to my life and that the longer I abstain, when I go back to drinking, the quicker the damage comes.
Last year I aimed to do a year off, to show I could handle it. I would never have even considered quitting for good at the start of that year. ‘I’ll have a year off, then after that i’ll be able to control my drinking’, that didn’t happen. I buckled after 7 months, drank for 2, 2more off and drank for 2.
My life got out of control both times in the 2 returns to drinking.
But I still denied my alcoholism.
Deep down I new that something wasn’t right, but I was scrambling around desperately trying anything to prove that I could control it. That I wasn’t an alcoholic.
But now I’m not ashamed of it. In a way it’s a gift.
See now that I know that it is a physical and mental illness, and no amount of human will power can overcome it, I feel relieved! I feel free in a way.
I admit i’m Powerless over alcohol.
I hold my hands up now to a higher power, and request guidance. Because if human willpower alone is not powerful enough to defeat this, then what is.!?
I mean, people HAVE recovered.
These people ALL have reported that they handed their will over to a higher power. God, as they were prepared to understand and accept him.
i’m not a religious person. But I do believe in a higher intelligent force of the universe.
As unreal as it feels, and probably reads (depending on your own beliefs), I have faith that if I hand myself over to this power, that I will recover.
I cant remember ever feeling as vulnerable, and yet liberated.
Onwards and upwards.