This is turning out to be more of a journey than I thought.
Twists, turns. Ups, huge downs, hard work, good times, hard times… who’d’ve thunk it.
It started as an egoic quest to remove thy self willing sword and strike it against the evil deamon of alcohol. To gallantly hold it’s head up for all the world to see and pronounce look! I did this! Me! Me me me me me. Now wrap me in the cloth of glory and let the world bow to my courage and greatness.
But it Has actually brought me to my knees.
I did 7months sober. Fuelled by ego and self importance. I wanted praise for my actions. I genuinely wanted to help others in the process, and become a hero of the people. But I was doing it to feel good ultimately.
A year of ongoing therapy and life coaching. A rollercoaster ride of health and peak fitness, pure peace and serenity, mixed with anger, frustration, confusion and shame… whoever I thought i was, I wasn’t. And then I was again.
I did not know the battle I was about to embark on. Or the quality and depth of the enemy. Which turns out to be me.
Now this is a good thing. The fact that it is such a battle. And this is a good thing because if it was easy then I wouldnt respect it as much.
But as I said I did t realise the size of the task. The dedication that is involved.
Last years journey took me to AA meetings towards the end. But it was more of a gesture at that stage.
Something I was merely investigating with a curious interest. I committed for a short while, but I had already committed to future beers.
It was meant to be a beer free year after all!
but now on the other side of that. I’m still drinking. But I have had a glimpse, an insight into the enormity and dedication required to completely quit drinking. And also the reward on the other side. The bliss, the peace, the serenity, the connection to source.
I beleive there will be a natural point for me to commit. To undergo the 12 steps of recovery and embrace it.
I think that time may be very near..
i did not think at the start of the beer free year I would be considering quitting for good.
But the beauty is that this time, if I do it, I’m doing it for me. Not for feeding my ego, but for feeding my soul.
Onwards and upwards…