7 months sober, 2months of drinking again. Wow.
7 months of sobriety gave me a clear head like I had NEVER felt before. Never in my whole adult life anyway.
Then with this fresh perspective I delved back into the world of drinking. Convinced that I could moderate this time.
It was all an illusion.
The alcohol is a very subtle and sneaky master. It craves itself. And uses us to facilitate its own craving.
Having one beer, sets off a craving for 2 more. It’s as much a physiological craving as a psychological one. Sometimes I would have 2 glassses of wine only, on a Friday evening. (to show I can moderate) . Then all wknd I would have the alcohol demon in the back of my mind, niggling away. Hoping for the next showing. Then when it came, it came with avengence.
A couple of times, a moderate Friday night, led to a couple of beers on a Sunday afternoon. Which led to a blackout. I either showed up for work pissed on a Monday, or didn’t show up at all.
In two months back drinking, I missed 3 work days. I covered it up with a range of excuses of course, but it was very quickly fucking my life up.
I woke up in a hotel room on a Tuesday morning, beer bottles scattered about, a stinking headache and a dry mouth, my relationship was on the rocks and there was no way I was going into work that day. Again.
The day before i’d Gone into work rough, and toiled through the day. I went back to the hotel as I had pretty much been kicked out of my own house, and ordered a beer. On a Monday night. 10 lonely pints later I took a take out upstairs to my room. To carry on. . . . .
I’m writing this now with a 6week sober perspective. And looking back in amazement as to how dramatic my life became, so quickly in the 2month period. And then reflecting back even further and thinking ‘that’s what my life was like for 20 years’, in fits and starts. I’ve pretty much been white knuckling it.
Giving myself the gift of a sober perspective on my drinking habits has really impacted on how I think now about drinking.
Not everyone has the same issue, some people don’t have the allergic reaction to alcohol that I have. The craving trigger that rules my mind and body, and can never be satisfied.
And hats off to them.
But I can only deal with my issue. And the only solution that I can ultimately come up with is permanent abstinence. Never touch that first drink, and life will be ok. Not just ok, life will be peaceful and serene.
I think I’m entering a phase of my life now where peaceful and serene is most welcome 🙏
I don’t know if i’ll Never drink again. I’m not looking that far ahead. But I know i’m Not going to drink today. And tomorrow I will make sure I don’t drink today also.. the future should then take care of itself .
onwards and upwards. .