30 days sober today…
Really it should have been 10 months however.
This blog was originally called ‘Matts beer free year’. That was the target. 1 year. On pure will power.
It was not to be.
I racked up nearly 7 months sober. But the wheels came off in mid July. In the height of summer. You could say I got too thirsty! And I broke all the hard work for a glass of wine. What followed was a couple of months of headaches, turmoil and drama.
In them two months, I had days off work sick, arguments, relationship issues. I spent money, I built up shame. I embarrassed myself at times.
I thought I could go back to drinking and control it. Be a moderated drinker.
But my mind and body simply does not have that reaction to alcohol. When I have the one drink, it doubles and quadruples. It takes over. I’m powerless over it.
Its taken me some 20 years to admit this to myself. To swallow my pride, hold my hand up and say, it’s got me. It had me all along.
The ‘suffering’ I felt in the two months drinking wasn’t so far out the ordinary. That’s how I have been for the majority of my drinking career. But the alcohol was always an easy target for blame. As if it wasn’t my doing because my responsibilities don’t apply if I’m drinking.
But with the perspective of the 7 months of sobriety, I realise clearly that that wasn’t normal behaviour. Nor was it normal to feel as shameful, embarrassed and physically unwell as I did in the 2 drinking months.
So as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs. I have now quit. For good. Not just for the year, or stoptober, or dry January.
This is one outcome I did not imagine I would be saying to myself. Last October I barely managed a month of sobriety before ending up waking up in Tesco carpark on a Sunday morning after a session. As you do.
So if the 2months back drinking was what I needed to give me this new desire. The desire to reclaim my mind, my health, my life. Then I’m glad it happened that way.
My sister gets married this weekend. A big castle in Cheshire, all the family and friends stopping over, celebrating, drinking hard like I would have been. This represents my biggest challenge yet.
But I know i’m Not going to be the idiot, I know i’m Not going to embarrass myself. I will be able to tell her I love her, and how proud I am of her and have meaningful conversations without it being under a veil of whiskey. I know i’m going to wake up fresh.
So bring it on 🙂
onwards and upwards.