30 down, 15000(ish) to go…..

07CC98CE-6B09-4C2F-9917-A59B3DB0445D30 days sober today…

Really it should have been 10 months however.

This blog was originally called ‘Matts beer free year’. That was the target. 1 year. On pure will power.

It was not to be.

I racked up nearly 7 months sober. But the wheels came off in mid July. In the height of summer. You could say I got too thirsty! And I broke all the hard work for a glass of wine. What followed was a couple of months of headaches, turmoil and drama.

In them two months, I had days off work sick, arguments, relationship issues. I spent money, I built up shame. I embarrassed myself at times.

I thought I could go back to drinking and control it. Be a moderated drinker.

But my mind and body simply does not have that reaction to alcohol. When I have the one drink, it doubles and quadruples. It takes over. I’m powerless over it.

Its taken me some 20 years to admit this to myself. To swallow my pride, hold my hand up and say, it’s got me. It had me all along.

The ‘suffering’ I felt in the two months drinking wasn’t so far out the ordinary. That’s how I have been for the majority of my drinking career. But the alcohol was always an easy target for blame. As if it wasn’t my doing because my responsibilities don’t apply if I’m drinking.

Cunning master.

But with the perspective of the 7 months of sobriety, I realise clearly that that wasn’t normal behaviour. Nor was it normal to feel as shameful, embarrassed and physically unwell as I did in the 2 drinking months.

So as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs. I have now quit. For good. Not just for the year, or stoptober, or dry January.

This is one outcome I did not imagine I would be saying to myself. Last October I barely managed a month of sobriety before ending up waking up in Tesco carpark on a Sunday morning after a session. As you do.

So if the 2months back drinking was what I needed to give me this new desire. The desire to reclaim my mind, my health, my life. Then I’m glad it happened that way.

…….

My sister gets married this weekend. A big castle in Cheshire, all the family and friends stopping over, celebrating, drinking hard like I would have been. This represents my biggest challenge yet.

But I know i’m Not going to be the idiot, I know i’m Not going to embarrass myself. I will be able to tell her I love her, and how proud I am of her and have meaningful conversations without it being under a veil of whiskey. I know i’m going to wake up fresh.

So bring it on 🙂

 

onwards and upwards.

 

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7 thoughts on “30 down, 15000(ish) to go…..

  1. I applaud you for your transparency. I am nearly 7 years sober after drinking alcoholically from age 16 – 39. Best decision I have ever made. It was tough in the beginning- couldn’t imagine living with OR with out it. I slipped two times, but the second slip scared me to death. I realized I didn’t want to die. So I gave up my will. I handed it to my HP who was the fellowship (Not God at the time). I have 3 children. My oldest was 9 when I sobered up. Now I have two teenagers and a 10 year old and thank GOD I’m sober. I can be a better parent now. I feel good about myself. I don’t have so many insecurities anymore. I have integrity. My kids see this. They are turning out pretty well so far…. I can’t imagine how they would have been if I still drank. I’d probably be dead. I’ve seen so many people die in program- going in and out. It’s not worth it. This is the easier way. AA is a design for living. Simple as that. Good luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awesome mate. Thank you for your share. Yeah I have been going to a few AA meetings this month. I look around and get inspired by people that seemed to be ‘worse’ than me, that have turned it around.

      Sometimes I feel like I don’t have it ‘bad enough’, but when I scroll through my drunkalog, I have been in some real states. Time to change is now.

      Like

  2. Good luck mate. I’m closing in on 90 days now and I’m really, really tempted to have a drink. I even bought some of my favourite beer the other day, which is now chilling in the fridge. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I have a feeling that one can will result in your very description above! That’s what keeps me from doing it. At the moment anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did similar. I got to a point where I thought I’d got all I needed from the abstinence. When I went back to drinking it was worse than before for me. This time I decided I needed help. Never thought I’d see myself in an AA group. But so glad I made the effort and got a supportive community behind me this time.

      Good luck in whatever path you choose mate.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I went to two AA meetings last year – they weren’t for me but I appreciate they can do the trick for some people. The whole hanging-your-head-in-shame and guilt thing put me off, personally.

        Have you heard of One Year No Beer? A friend of mine signed up to it and waxes lyrical about it at every opportunity. Thinking about doing the 28-day challenge and seeing how it goes. It’s pricey but compared to drinking it’s a drop in the ocean!

        Liked by 1 person

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