Sobriety. Dealing with disconnect.

Went out yesterday. It was a pre wedding drinks for the ushers etc. An exchange of suits and a big old knees up.

Got to say I found it fairly hard. And boring.

Granted, I was tired. Been a tough few weeks. And also really the lads I was with were not ‘my group’ of mates. But overall I just found it boring.

I was in good spirits. Happy to have conversation and a laugh. But I struggled with the ‘shouting drunken anecdotes about people that I barely even know across the table in the pub’ scenario. It’s just not my scene when sober.

I don’t look down on these people, or anyone. And I try not to judge. But I felt very disconnected. And that included with family members.

I was toying with the idea of just having a few drinks, just to fit in. But then I would have lost my own integrity and character, and the group would have overcome my resolve.

I didn’t really feel much pressure from the group to drink. There were one or two comments like ‘your not the Matt I used to know’ etc, to which I responded ‘i’d Like to think I’m a better version’.

Some people said they respected what I was doing. But overall I felt an air of confusion and discomfort at the fact that this reliable drinker was on the lemonade. When people were ordering rounds they would look at me bemused and forlorn, and generally just point and go silent. Hoping expectantly that I would just say something that would not make their brain malfunction. Like ordering lemonade would be an insult on their own masculinity.

I saved them from the trouble and just said ‘I’m ok thanks’.

But after 3 hours. And the 5th or 6th round of pints i’d Saved myself from. With the volume and coherence reaching a level that was now moving into ‘the zone’, I threw the towel in.

I ordered my taxi and set off home.

After some decent food and an early night. I awoke today and set about my DIY.

I do still feel that I missed out. Missed out on a chance to bond with people. But based on my past experience, there would probably have been very limited bonding, more talking at people and not being truly heard, or truly listening.

Anyway it’s passed now.

That day was successfully navigated, and I will walk into work on Monday morning with a fresh head and a clean conscience.

 

Onwards and upwards…

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4 thoughts on “Sobriety. Dealing with disconnect.

  1. I think everyone can relate to that scenario mate. Sounds like you did yourself proud. I very nearly caved on Saturday as I REALLY wanted to have a cold beer with my brother who I only see once a month, if that. In the end I had two alcohol free ales and didn’t miss it at all. I was convinced I’d break. I’m on around day 80 now but I know in my heart that the inevitable isn’t too far away now.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why don’t you start from now? See if you can rack up another 80 days? Just get to the next 80 and then consider the inevitable.

      You have done so well. Be a shame to ruin it all ..

      I regret coming off the wagon at 200 days. Just for the curiosity. But it never changes..

      Like

      1. Possibly. I haven’t faltered yet, I just keep having these tiny moments. The kind of music I listen to doesn’t help either (live or otherwise) – it’s generally played by hirsute gents and its perfect accompaniment is a beer or a bourbon. That’s when I start to miss it most.

        Liked by 1 person

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