Something has finally snapped. It’s a different energy now. I’ve had enough.
I want to go beer free for good.
The efforts of the turn of the year were finite. I always intended to go back to drinking deep down.
The intention was to go back and become a ‘normal drinker’.
But the truth it turns out, is that I’m not a normal drinker. I’m an alcoholic.
I used to think the term ‘alcoholic’ meant a bedraggled homeless person hugging cans of strong cider and special brew. But the truth is it means anyone who cannot stop drinking when they want to, short term or long term.
Alcohol has been harming my life and my relationships for the majority of my adult life. Slowly eating away at my soul. But I have always thought, I have control over it.
Some people can have one or two drinks and call it a night. I can’t.
After racking up 200 sober days this year, The devil juice somehow managed to convince me that this time having a drink would be ok. That my life would be better with it and that THIS TIME I could control it.
But the truth is. It controls me. It always has, and it always will. So long as I take that first drink. It not only controls me, but it has the potential to turn me into a monster.
This Sunday, a couple of glasses of wine turned into a 6 hour blackout. A blackout in with a woke up disgusted and ashamed at what I discovered I did and said to my nearest and dearest.
That is the final straw for me.
My life was so much better without it, but I somehow got complacent and tricked myself into believing I was missing out.
For the first time in my life now. I want to quit for good. I want it out of my life. I hold my hands up and declare that I suffer from alcoholism. And I will never be a normal drinker.
Fuck alcohol, fuck the pain it causes my family, fuck the shame I feel today and until time heals it.
This time it’s not finite. This time it’s not a beerfreeyear, to get a pat on the back at the end of it and to show how strong my mind can be. Who cares. It’s clearly not strong enough cos I didn’t do the year.
If I need support, I will go to AA meetings. I will build a network of people this time that can catch me if I feel I might fall…
This time i’m Done with it.