What a gift.
I never thought it would feel like this.
I never thought one little person could heal so many wounds, fill so many voids and instil so much drive and determination for a better life.
Harrison came into this world 12 weeks ago. 35 years after his father did.
Its like one of us was born that day. And one of us was reborn.
After an epic ordeal and struggle during labour within which he pushed his beautiful mother to the absolute limit. When he finally made his appearance, through the sunroof, everything changed.
I remember him being passed to me for the first time, and the flood of emotions and feelings were not what I expected.
I felt a huge wave of guilt as I looked at him. Then a huge surge of overwhelming love. And absolute admiration and respect for his mother, Ruth.
It struck me to my core and I’ll never forget that feeling.
I felt guilty for taking life lightly, for wasting my best years aimlessly and carefree, I felt guilty for drinking as much as I had in life, for abusing my body, for never fulfilling my potential, for not being the best version of myself. I felt guilty for all the times I failed to be a good son, a good freind, a good boyfriend, a good person.
My mind flashed backwards, then revelled in the moment, then flashed forward. With a new reinforced perspective.
Its not about me anymore. I’m accountable to something greater now.
I don’t want my son growing up into a world where his dad is an aimless, self righteous drunk. I won’t allow it.
I am now a role model, to something, somebody that I love in a way that I’ve never felt love before.
I feel blessed that I have this ‘second chance’, to recreate my life that way I want it.
I want to say things to my son, like, ‘follow your heart, live without fear, live life on your own terms, love people, help people, never let your dreams pass, you can do anything you put your mind to, etc etc’ how can I say anything of the sort if I’m not a living example of it.
One thing I have noticed is that my perspective of what is important has changed.
My measure of success has now shifted from money, to time. From being right, to being happy.
The first thing that had to go was alcohol. A beer free year seemed like a daunting task. Perfect to test my resolve on.
Things are improving.
Its still early days and the start of a long road but Harrison is always there, screaming at me, teaching me patience.
Sometimes when I’ve had a hard day, it’s like he knows. He’ll flash me a beautiful smile and all my problems of the day fade into insignificance….
So I thank him.
For this new lease of life. New meaning.
I thank him for being a constant, sometimes challenging companion to Ruth. And giving her an outlet to express her massive heart and abundance of caring in her soul.
I thank him for the chance to be a better person.
I thank him for the reason to knock beer on the head.
And I thank him for adding a whole new dimension to my life.
I’m nowhere near perfect…. but I have a reason to try to be the best I can be..
Onwards and upwards 🙂