Feeling good(ish). But apprehensive. Very mixed still.
I had a couple of sessions with a psychotherapist before Xmas. I wanted to know what was causing me so many silly problems in my life and why I felt ‘stuck’ career wise. It quickly became apparent in the early sessions that the way that I drink/drank was causing a huge amount of the problems. It was a constant cycle of binge drinking at the weekend. Picking up the pieces early week, feeling good and ‘fixed’ by Friday and doing it all over again. Only the pieces were getting harder to put back together, and the ‘whole’ was feeling more and more fragmented. The wheels were coming off, but the engine was still revving hard.
So I’m feeling good (ish) as I normally do by Thursday eve/Friday. But I’m apprehensive. Because I know the challenge hasn’t actually begun yet. I’ve done 4/5 days without drinking for 20 years. The weekends are my nemesis.
Im checking in with the doctor tomorrow to do a liver function test. There are various stages of liver disease based on how long you’ve been at the party, how much you have hit it, genetic disposition etc etc. And also people have been known to run marathons, but still have acute liver disease. Liver disease is like carbon monoxide in a way. It can be slowly killing you without you even being aware.
So really its very difficult to know what’s going on with your liver unless you are at the latter stages of liver disease, or you get it tested. I don’t actually know where I am on the spectrum, and that in itself is quite daunting. If it comes back that I’ve got a good healthy liver, would I carry on not drinking? I’m fairly confident it can’t come back with that outcome, and yet I feel numb about it until I find out. As I’ve said in a previous blog, it’s time to respect the liver and the body.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.